Pentagon Creates Zombie Preparedness Plan: What You Should Know

Published on May 26th, 2014 | by

Pentagon Creates Zombie Preparedness Plan

The Pentagon has a Zombie Preparedness Plan.

Right about now, I know you’re saying to yourself, “It’s about frakking time!”, and indeed it is, because as we all know, if the government does not present a strong line of defense, the zombies are going to kill us all.

The Pentagon’s Zombie Preparedness Plan was written to be a training exercise, but as such, I think we can safely assume that it approximates the real [secret] plan for zombie defense… at least the parts that *don’t* call for herding the useless part of the population into corrals to serve as zombie bait and lead them away from the real survivor camps where all the Congresspeople and Texas oil barons are. So zombie bait excluded, here’s what we can reasonably expect from the Pentagon when zombies finally attack:

Zombies are many and diverse. The Pentagon is prepared for several different types of zombies, including some that I hadn’t even thought to be scared of yet, such as Evil Magic Zombies. However, Pathogenic Zombies, Space Zombies, and Symbiant-Induced Zombies are all likely threats that the Pentagon plans for. The Pentagon’s Zombie Preparedness Plan calls for monitoring zombie-creating vectors that are both natural and man-made–they’re keeping an eye on the rain forests AND the terrorists for this one. And if they find something…

When the soldiers deploy, take cover. At the first sign of zombies, the Pentagon will begin to recall all military personnel. If you see that happening, even if you don’t immediately know why, know that the S has HTF. If you decide to bug out right then…

Don’t fall down and break your leg, or you will get left to the zombies. If you’re evacuating in a widespread panic with military help, the Pentagon plan states very clearly that you will not be permitted to go back for anybody–not your grandma, not your toddler, not that dude who just fell down and broke his leg. Here’s where military efficiency really works for the common good: it takes a dispassionate authority to enforce the reality that any infected human leads to one more zombie. The humans right here with you need to be kept safe before the humans who aren’t with you and may or may not already be infected, especially if that human is a…

Know a doctor? Keep her safe. The Pentagon plan theorizes that hospitals will be the first to be overrun, as the earliest infected throng there for treatment. Zombie infestation will close off access to most medical supplies, including drugs and blood. Hoard your own supplies so that you can shelter in place, and…

Hold on for 40 days. The Pentagon plan calls for security for “protected” citizen areas and the establishment of quarantine zones, but if you don’t want to join the first wave of panicked civilians, your next bug-out will come no earlier than 40 days after active combat against the zombies has begun, when the Pentagon will reevaluate the remaining zombie threat, the security of the remaining population, and the status of basic infrastructure, and issue reports and instructions on unsecured communication lines, so that any of us hold-outs can hook back up with military forces. Save some batteries for your radio, and be prepared to bug out at that time if it looks like the military has it together. But be wary, because…

Hoping to hide behind the soldiers? Yeah, that may not go so well. Although the Pentagon plan includes such items as sandbags, barbed wire, anti-personnel mines, riot control chemical agents (and who are they going to use THOSE on?!?), and petroleum for flame barriers in its zombie-fighting supply list, the plan includes in its Limiting Factors section the fact that the United States Strategic Command itself doesn’t have any ground troops capable of combating zombies, nor does it have the supplies to hold a base command during an extended zombie attack. Other military branches have ground troops, of course, but if central command falls, well…

Shoot for the head, and burn the body. The Pentagon plan theorizes that zombie life is centered in the brain stem; aim for the head. The plan also advises burning all corpses to destroy the zombie pathogen, but if you watch Supernatural(as you should), then you know that you should also salt the corpse prior to burning; can’t have any of those Evil Magic zombies reanimating, can we? And speaking of burning…

Duck and cover. Good lord, the Pentagon plan actually says that nuclear weapons may be the most effective defense against zombies. I’m gonna go ahead and say that’s a big no, Pentagon. I don’t think nuclear weapons are an effective defense against anything other than continuing to live , but seriously, Pentagon? Everyone knows that the only thing that you get when you nuke zombies is, you know, RADIOACTIVE ZOMBIES.

All in all, however, other than a few flubs (radioactive zombies being one, and the Pentagon’s assumption that it’s going to have access to all of the information it needs being another), the Pentagon’s Zombie Preparedness Plan is actually pretty well laid out. I could see us using it to come back from a zombie infestation.

Or I could see the Pentagon just nuking us all. You know, either way.

[Image belongs to Stephen Dann under this Creative Commons license. I did post-processing and added text and graphics, and redistribute it under the same license.]

 

About the Author

I'm a writer, crafter, Zombie Preparedness Planner, and homeschooling momma of two kids who will hopefully someday transition into using their genius for good, not the evil machinations and mess-making in which they currently indulge. I'm interested in recycling and nature crafts, food security, STEM education, and the DIY lifestyle, however it's manifested--making myself some underwear out of T-shirts? Done it. Teaching myself guitar? Doing it right now. Visit my blog Craft Knife for a peek at our very weird handmade homeschool life; my etsy shop Pumpkin+Bear for a truly odd number of rainbow-themed beeswax pretties; and my for links to articles about poverty, educational politics, and this famous cat who lives in my neighborhood.